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Rules for a gunfight
Beer Troubleshooting

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself chained to the bar.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward
See above.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home adress with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Beer is crystal clear.
It`s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Hand hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Don`t recognize anyone, or the room you are in.
You wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Your singing sound distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Don`t remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:

ACTION:

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to the wrong part of face.
Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

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Gun fight rules

  1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
  2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
  3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
  4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
  5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
  6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
  7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
  8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
  9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pees in the flintlock of your musket."
  10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
  11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
  12. Have a plan.
  13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
  14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
  15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
  16. Don't drop your guard.
  17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
  18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them.)
  19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
  20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
  21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
  22. Be courteous to everyone. Friendly to no one.
  23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
  24. Do not attend a gun fight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with the number "4".

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